Pointless
by underthepink
Summary: A letter from Aubrey to Chloe, the girl who (unofficially) owns her heart.


When we first met, I was dealing with a _lot_ , and you were the only person who'd cared enough to reach out when I'd started to crack under pressure. I was hesitant at first, you know, to open up to someone new. But, I did anyways and I'm going to be a hundred percent honest with you, Chloe, I've regretted it a few times. Not because of anything you've done, I promise, but because of how comfortable it felt. I'm not good at putting my feelings to words, we both know this, but it felt so easy when we first met. It was easy to tell you things the first week or so, but then I started to put things together. Sorta like a puzzle, I guess. One of my friends pointed out that I treated you different than I do everyone else and it all started to come together in my head.

You were no longer the person I could vent to about my problems because _you_ became my problem. I had so many breakdowns those few weeks, over so many things. All of them leading back to you. I remember the night I had Beca ask if you _liked_ me and you said no, so fucking vividly. I remember completely just falling apart like a shattered dish. I cried harder that night than I had in a while. You've since told me you only said no because you thought I liked Beca.

There's a point to all of this, I promise. Just stay with me.

A few nights ago, I had a very bad breakdown over you. Over us. Nothing had really happened, it was just me creating scenarios in my head that most likely won't happen.

 _what if she just finds someone else? someone better? someone more attractive? someone smarter, or funnier, or kinder, or more caring? or more affectionate?_

 _what if i end up not being good enough? what if i'm not what she wants? what if i'm not what she needs? what if. what if. what if. what if. what if._

 _what. if._

I sat up and cried for hours on end with Stacie. All over you. I was angry at myself after because I once promised myself to never get this attached to another person after a girl broke my heart in July. But, here I was sobbing on my bed at three in the morning over you. I don't know why I got so attached to you in such a short time, I really don't. I'm not usually this clingy or needy, but I know it has to get annoying and I'm sorry.

(I'm really not.)

I need structure, usually. I'll plan the smallest things from beginning to end, whether it just be a movie date or a dinner date. Everything is planned out, sometimes on paper and sometimes in my head. I need that, usually, but with you, it's different. _Everything is different with her._ Nothing is planned out, but that doesn't stress me out like it would with anyone else. It feels more natural.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I really don't. I know I said there was a point to this, but there really isn't. I just wanted an excuse to remind you how much I love you, really.

We aren't even official so I guess writing a love letter is kinda pointless, huh?

That mindset would make everything I've said to you in the past week or two pointless.

 _it's not just pointless, it's fucking dumb._

I don't want everything to be pointless, Chloe. I need there to be some sort of closure at the end of all of this.

Everything is different and better with you, except this. This one little flaw in our... Friendship? Relationship? I don't know. I'm just gonna... Call it a situation.

Yeah.

This one little flaw in our situation somehow is tearing it all apart and I refuse to let that happen, I refuse to let my anxieties tear this apart because this is the only good thing left for me. It isn't for you and I know that, but you mean so much to me and the idea of losing you is horrifying. I just need to know that there's a point to all of this.

I need to know that there's a point to the pet names.

 _she calls everyone pet names, you aren't fucking special._

I need to know that there's a point to the never ending compliments.

 _you both compliment everyone as if they're your significant other. you. are. not. special. to. her._

I need to know that there's a point to me fighting for this.

 _she's just gonna hurt you. she's just gonna break your heart like everyone else did, she's just gonna hurt you and use you._

I need to know but, I guess I never will.


End file.
